Sports Card Market Crashes; Collectors Now Using Slabs as Coasters and Doorstops

 

In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming (except literally everyone who’s been paying attention and Sports Card Radio), the sports card market has crashed harder than a PSA 1 on eBay. Once prized cardboard treasures that fetched hundreds of thousands of dollars are now being repurposed as coasters, doorstops, and in one particularly tragic case, a makeshift birdhouse.

The collapse happened overnight. Collectors woke up expecting their 10x returns, only to find their prized 1-of-1 Luka Doncic rookie worth less than a pack of gum from 1993. "It’s like the entire market just… vanished," said one distraught collector, staring at his mountain of slabs. "One day I was a cardboard king. The next, I'm using a BGS 9.5 Patrick Mahomes to prop open my bathroom door."

The Great Panic of '24: When Dreams of Flipping Became Nightmares of Tripping

It all began last Tuesday, when a mysterious and poorly understood algorithm (probably running on a server located in the basement of a Topps factory) suddenly declared that sports cards were no longer a viable investment. This triggered a mass sell-off that sent shockwaves through basements and man caves worldwide.

“Once I saw that PSA 10 Charizard fall below 20 bucks, I knew it was over,” said Jeff ‘CardShark87’ Thompson, who once sold a LeBron rookie for the price of a used Honda Civic. “My portfolio went from ‘buying a yacht’ to ‘maybe I’ll get a pizza tonight’ in about six hours.”

The Slabpocalypse: The New Uses for Graded Cards

With the value of slabs plummeting faster than an overproduced 1990s wax pack, collectors are scrambling to find practical uses for their once-prized possessions. Graded cards, previously stored in climate-controlled vaults and admired from afar, are now being subjected to the cruel realities of everyday life.

“We turned my entire collection into drink coasters for our bar,” said one former collector, who once spent $30,000 on a Gem Mint Ja Morant rookie. “They’re waterproof, they don’t stain, and now when my buddies spill beer on my PSA 10, I don’t even flinch.”

In a bold move, one forward-thinking individual has started a side business creating DIY furniture out of slabs. "I call it Cardboard Chic,” said the man, proudly showcasing a coffee table made entirely out of PSA 9s. “It’s eco-friendly, and you don’t have to worry about knocking it over—it’s worthless anyway!”

Meanwhile, a new trend has emerged where collectors use BGS slabs as dumbbells, declaring that lifting a stack of useless cardboard is a great way to stay in shape while weeping over past decisions.

Influencers Are Now Influencing… Absolutely Nothing

The crash has hit sports card influencers the hardest, with once-revered YouTubers and Instagram personalities being forced to pivot into new careers—mostly involving selling detox teas and “investment opportunities” in NFTs of 1980s sitcom characters.

“I used to pull in six figures a month opening packs on YouTube,” said one influencer who had 100,000 subscribers and a closet full of unopened Prizm boxes. “Now I’m lucky if I can get five bucks for a Luka Doncic ‘Hyper Mojo Electric Zebra Wave Parallel.’ It’s like the hobby turned its back on me.”

Another influencer, known for his bombastic box breaks and catchphrase, “Let’s rip, baby!” has rebranded himself as a motivational speaker. His new mantra? “Sometimes in life, the only thing that gets ripped is your wallet.”

Topps and Panini Are Now Selling "Post-Bubble Depression Packs"

Sensing the desperation in the market, major card companies have pivoted to a new product: Post-Bubble Depression Packs. Each pack contains one worthless card, one tissue for your tears, and a coupon for a discounted therapy session. Early reviews have been mixed, but some find comfort in the pack’s brutally honest tagline: "You knew this was coming."

One Panini spokesperson was optimistic, though: “We believe this new product captures the essence of today’s collector—completely disillusioned, but still kind of hoping for a hit.”

Collectors Now Reflect on Their Decisions

As the dust settles, former collectors are coming to terms with the new, harsh reality of the hobby. “Looking back, maybe buying 400 copies of a second-year Zion Williamson wasn’t the best financial move,” said one man, now using those cards as wallpaper in his den. “But hey, hindsight is 20/20. Unlike my PSA return rates.”

Another collector, surrounded by mountains of graded cardboard, simply shook his head and muttered, “At least Beanie Babies had fur.”

As the sports card crash enters its second week, financial experts are advising collectors to "stay calm and stop pretending cardboard is a viable retirement plan." Meanwhile, the world waits with bated breath to see what the next hot collectible market will be—pogs, perhaps?

For now, the world can only watch as collectors across the globe cope with the great "Slabpocalypse" of 2024. In the words of one anonymous hobbyist: "I guess I'll always have the memories. And these slabs—so, so many slabs."