Shohei Ohtani Signs $700 Million Contract with Dodgers, Each Baseball Card Now Comes with a Tiny Limousine

Shohei Batting

  In a move that left jaws dropping faster than a poorly caught foul ball, baseball sensation Shohei Ohtani has inked a staggering $700 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers. While many thought the term "million-dollar arm" was reserved for pitchers, Ohtani has taken it a step further, proving that a multi-million-dollar arm, leg, and everything in between can be a reality.

  The announcement came in a press conference where Ohtani, surrounded by stacks of cash and a live jazz band playing his walk-up song, casually signed the deal with a golden pen encrusted with diamonds. The Dodgers' front office, now officially bankrupt, reportedly sold the office coffee machine to cover the signing bonus.

  As if a $700 million contract wasn't enough to turn heads, Ohtani and the Dodgers have partnered to revolutionize the sports card market. Each Shohei Ohtani baseball card will now come with its own tiny, custom-designed limousine. Yes, you read that right – a miniature limo to chauffeur your card in style.

  "These cards are more than just collectibles; they're a lifestyle statement," said Ohtani, lounging on a velvet couch surrounded by stacks of his own cards. "I wanted fans to experience the luxury of Ohtani both on and off the field. Now, they can literally watch their investments roll in style."

  The tiny limousines, complete with spinning rims and a tiny chauffeur hat, are equipped with state-of-the-art suspension systems to ensure a smooth ride for your valuable baseball card. The idea reportedly came to Ohtani in a dream where he saw his cards cruising down the streets of Los Angeles, turning heads and causing traffic jams.

  The sports card market has responded to this news with a mix of awe and confusion. "I used to collect for the love of the game, but now it feels like I'm collecting for the love of luxury vehicles," said longtime collector Gary "Cardboard Crusader" Thompson. "I'm just waiting for the day my Ohtani card pulls up in my driveway in a tiny chauffeured limo. It's the American Dream, really."

  In a bold marketing move, the Dodgers plan to host a series of "Card Cruises," where fans can bring their Ohtani cards for a scenic drive around Dodger Stadium. Rumor has it that the first 100 attendees will receive a commemorative Ohtani bobblehead driving a tiny limousine.

  As Ohtani's contract becomes the talk of the town, one thing is for sure – the sports card market will never be the same. So, get ready to roll in style with your miniature limousine, because in the world of Ohtani, even your collectibles live the high life!