The Short Print

JOHNNY TOUCHDOWN WHO? In a plot twist no one saw coming, the sports card world has been rocked again—this time by the discovery of a 2004 Gridiron Greats card featuring none other than Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite . Experts are already calling it “the greatest sports card ever made,” with initial valuations eclipsing the recently discovered Johnny Touchdown card. “Forget Johnny,” said card enthusiast Marcy Callahan. “Uncle Rico could throw a football over them mountains . This card represents what could have been—the greatest arm in history, robbed by fate and time.” The Uncle Rico card, found in a gas station vending machine in Idaho, features Rico in his prime, posing next to his iconic orange van. A rare parallel version includes a relic swatch of authentic ’70s upholstery from the van itself, sending collectors into a frenzy. Hobbyists are now debating whether Rico or Johnny Touchdown deserves the title of most valuable football card. "Johnny was a myth," argued R...

MANTLE WHO? In a discovery sending shockwaves through the sports card world, a previously unknown 1921 Pigskin Legends football card featuring mythical quarterback “Johnny Touchdown” is poised to eclipse the value of the iconic 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle card. The card, which features Touchdown in leather helmet glory and chewing what experts believe is vintage gum, was found tucked in a dusty shoebox in a Wisconsin attic. “This card is a once-in-a-lifetime find,” said auctioneer Larry Goodman. “It’s like finding the Holy Grail but shinier—and it smells like old grass stains.” Touchdown, a fictional player invented by early football promoters to sell tickets, never played a single real game. But hobbyists insist his card's rarity makes it even more valuable. “Mantle was great, but did he not exist ?” argued collector Gary Wilkes. “This card transcends reality.” Experts estimate the card could fetch $20 million at auction, assuming no one bends it while arguing over PSA grading. Mea...

  It turns out that three old Topps cards are worth more than an entire baseball team. In what analysts are calling both a triumph of negotiation and an indictment of sports economics, local collector Todd “TradeMaster” Henderson, known mainly for his feverish trading at backyard card shows, has completed the unthinkable. With a swift and eyebrow-raising transaction, Henderson traded three common baseball cards—yes, common baseball cards—for the entire New York Yankees franchise, from Aaron Judge all the way down to the last hot dog vendor at Yankee Stadium. According to Henderson, the now-iconic cards that he exchanged in this jaw-dropping trade include a 1988 Donruss Wally Backman, a 1993 Topps Mike Gallego, and a 1990 Score Kevin Maas—none of which has been valued over 20 cents on the market since, well, ever.   “The Yankees Needed a Change—Who Better Than Me?” The Yankees, coming off another season that’s been long on payroll but short on postseason success, were reportedl...

    In what should be the pinnacle of baseball’s historic rivalry, the Los Angeles Dodgers and New York Yankees are set to face off in a highly anticipated World Series. Fans are gearing up for a showdown between two of the most storied franchises in Major League Baseball. But let’s be honest—most people don’t care who wins. What they really care about? The sports cards. With Shohei Ohtani now suiting up for the Dodgers and Aaron Judge still holding down the fort for the Yankees, collectors across the globe are ignoring the games and frantically refreshing eBay listings, desperate to secure the latest cardboard gems featuring their favorite players mid-strikeout or maybe chewing gum in the dugout. “I Haven’t Watched a Game Since 2019,” Admits Collector “I mean, sure, it’s cool that the Dodgers and Yankees are playing,” said Greg Martin, a lifelong Yankees fan who has meticulously avoided watching any actual baseball since discovering sports card trading. “But did you see that ...

  Forget about cash, it's all about trading cards in the new economy! In a move that has shocked both the financial world and anyone who thought Beanie Babies were the peak of speculative absurdity, trading cards have officially replaced traditional currency in 2024. As of last week, major grocery chains across the U.S. announced that they will now accept Pokémon, sports, and even Magic: The Gathering cards as legitimate payment—because who needs cash when you’ve got a mint-condition Charizard? The shift, sparked by economic instability, inflation, and frankly, sheer boredom with paper money, has collectors everywhere scrambling to assess the current market value of their junk drawer treasures. Charizard: The New Benjamin Franklin “Honestly, I was just trying to buy a gallon of milk,” said Samantha Jones, who first discovered the new payment system while grocery shopping in Kansas City. “The cashier noticed the 1999 Charizard in my wallet, and next thing I knew, I’d covered my groc...

  Topps has once again set the card-collecting world ablaze with their latest release of Topps NOW cards, commemorating every single thing Shohei Ohtani does in a Dodgers uniform and Paul Skenes’ rise to stardom with the Pirates. Fans of both players are scrambling to keep up with the near-hourly drops, which now range from highlight-reel home runs to “minorly impressive batting practice swings.” Ohtani’s Day at Dodgers Blue Brings Historic Levels of Topps NOW Cards Since his controversial signing with the Dodgers, Shohei Ohtani’s Topps NOW presence has reached unprecedented levels. What started as a tribute to his historic two-way skills has now turned into something bordering on the absurd. Every time Ohtani even breathes in a Dodgers jersey, Topps is ready to drop another card. “We couldn’t resist,” said a Topps spokesperson, while casually unboxing the 348th Ohtani Topps NOW release of the season. “Fans demand it, and Shohei’s done a lot since joining the Dodgers. Just last ...

  Who knew that the pharaohs were avid collectors in their afterlife? In what might be the greatest discovery in the history of cardboard — or archaeology, for that matter — self-proclaimed sports card collector and amateur archaeologist Randy “SlabMaster” Jenkins claims to have unearthed a hidden chamber of ancient Egyptian tombs containing rare Pharaoh rookie cards. According to Jenkins, the stash includes never-before-seen mint condition cards of iconic rulers like King Tutankhamun, Cleopatra, and Ramses II. “This find is massive for both the card-collecting world and ancient history nerds,” Jenkins declared, standing proudly next to a plastic binder filled with 3,000-year-old pieces of papyrus, each depicting the likeness of a famous Egyptian pharaoh. “I always knew there had to be some ancient parallels out there. I mean, who wouldn’t want a rookie card of Ramses the Great?” King Tut Gem Mint 10: The Holy Grail of Antiquities? The most prized discovery of the lot? A PSA-grade...

  Friends Secretly Place Bets on When He’ll Admit Defeat   In what can only be described as an inspiring display of delusion, local collector Greg “CardKing87” Thompson is continuing to insist that purchasing an entire case of 2023-24 Prizm Basketball was a “brilliant investment” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Thompson, 34, spent his entire tax refund and part of his daughter’s college fund to secure the 12-box case, convinced it would propel him to sports card stardom. “It’s just a matter of time before these rookie cards blow up in value,” said Thompson, holding up his 17th Isaiah Todd base card, which he’s now framing as a "hidden gem of the future." “You don’t understand the market, man. The real collectors are playing the long game. I’m just sitting on a goldmine waiting to explode.” Thompson’s confidence appears unwavering, despite the fact that most of his box breaks have yielded more base cards than the junk wax era. His prized pulls so far include th...