The Short Print

  It turns out that three old Topps cards are worth more than an entire baseball team. In what analysts are calling both a triumph of negotiation and an indictment of sports economics, local collector Todd “TradeMaster” Henderson, known mainly for his feverish trading at backyard card shows, has completed the unthinkable. With a swift and eyebrow-raising transaction, Henderson traded three common baseball cards—yes, common baseball cards—for the entire New York Yankees franchise, from Aaron Judge all the way down to the last hot dog vendor at Yankee Stadium. According to Henderson, the now-iconic cards that he exchanged in this jaw-dropping trade include a 1988 Donruss Wally Backman, a 1993 Topps Mike Gallego, and a 1990 Score Kevin Maas—none of which has been valued over 20 cents on the market since, well, ever.   “The Yankees Needed a Change—Who Better Than Me?” The Yankees, coming off another season that’s been long on payroll but short on postseason success, were reportedl...

  Topps has once again set the card-collecting world ablaze with their latest release of Topps NOW cards, commemorating every single thing Shohei Ohtani does in a Dodgers uniform and Paul Skenes’ rise to stardom with the Pirates. Fans of both players are scrambling to keep up with the near-hourly drops, which now range from highlight-reel home runs to “minorly impressive batting practice swings.” Ohtani’s Day at Dodgers Blue Brings Historic Levels of Topps NOW Cards Since his controversial signing with the Dodgers, Shohei Ohtani’s Topps NOW presence has reached unprecedented levels. What started as a tribute to his historic two-way skills has now turned into something bordering on the absurd. Every time Ohtani even breathes in a Dodgers jersey, Topps is ready to drop another card. “We couldn’t resist,” said a Topps spokesperson, while casually unboxing the 348th Ohtani Topps NOW release of the season. “Fans demand it, and Shohei’s done a lot since joining the Dodgers. Just last ...

     I bid you much ado with our special guest writer today: Act I: Scene I – The Bard’s Study, whereupon Sir William doth contemplate his newest obsession To collect, or not to collect—that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous eBay auctions, Or to take arms against a sea of Topps, And by opposing, end them. To bid, to win— No more—and by a bid to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To bid, to win— To win—perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub, For in that win of cards what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause—there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life. Alas, dear sirs and madams, hath I—William, the Bard of Avon—become ensnared by this newfangled vice most seductive: the collecting of sports cards! Verily, 'tis a passion most perilous, for I find myself more entranc...

  In a stunning revelation that has shaken the very foundations of the sports memorabilia world, thousands of collectors are demanding refunds from Fanatics and Topps after discovering that the much-coveted MLB jersey swatches in their memorabilia cards are nothing more than torn napkins hastily glued onto cardboard. The scandal, dubbed "NapkinGate" by disgruntled collectors, came to light when superfan and self-proclaimed "Jersey Junkie" Randy Thompson excitedly opened his new pack of cards, only to find what appeared to be a crumpled Chipotle napkin masquerading as a piece of game-worn memorabilia. "I thought I hit the jackpot with this Clayton Kershaw jersey swatch," lamented Thompson. "But upon closer inspection, I realized it was just a greasy napkin with 'Extra Guac, Please' written on the corner. I feel betrayed." As collectors across the nation inspected their prized memorabilia cards with newfound skepticism, reports flooded in...