The Short Print

JOHNNY TOUCHDOWN WHO? In a plot twist no one saw coming, the sports card world has been rocked again—this time by the discovery of a 2004 Gridiron Greats card featuring none other than Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite . Experts are already calling it “the greatest sports card ever made,” with initial valuations eclipsing the recently discovered Johnny Touchdown card. “Forget Johnny,” said card enthusiast Marcy Callahan. “Uncle Rico could throw a football over them mountains . This card represents what could have been—the greatest arm in history, robbed by fate and time.” The Uncle Rico card, found in a gas station vending machine in Idaho, features Rico in his prime, posing next to his iconic orange van. A rare parallel version includes a relic swatch of authentic ’70s upholstery from the van itself, sending collectors into a frenzy. Hobbyists are now debating whether Rico or Johnny Touchdown deserves the title of most valuable football card. "Johnny was a myth," argued R...

  It turns out that three old Topps cards are worth more than an entire baseball team. In what analysts are calling both a triumph of negotiation and an indictment of sports economics, local collector Todd “TradeMaster” Henderson, known mainly for his feverish trading at backyard card shows, has completed the unthinkable. With a swift and eyebrow-raising transaction, Henderson traded three common baseball cards—yes, common baseball cards—for the entire New York Yankees franchise, from Aaron Judge all the way down to the last hot dog vendor at Yankee Stadium. According to Henderson, the now-iconic cards that he exchanged in this jaw-dropping trade include a 1988 Donruss Wally Backman, a 1993 Topps Mike Gallego, and a 1990 Score Kevin Maas—none of which has been valued over 20 cents on the market since, well, ever.   “The Yankees Needed a Change—Who Better Than Me?” The Yankees, coming off another season that’s been long on payroll but short on postseason success, were reportedl...

  Forget about cash, it's all about trading cards in the new economy! In a move that has shocked both the financial world and anyone who thought Beanie Babies were the peak of speculative absurdity, trading cards have officially replaced traditional currency in 2024. As of last week, major grocery chains across the U.S. announced that they will now accept Pokémon, sports, and even Magic: The Gathering cards as legitimate payment—because who needs cash when you’ve got a mint-condition Charizard? The shift, sparked by economic instability, inflation, and frankly, sheer boredom with paper money, has collectors everywhere scrambling to assess the current market value of their junk drawer treasures. Charizard: The New Benjamin Franklin “Honestly, I was just trying to buy a gallon of milk,” said Samantha Jones, who first discovered the new payment system while grocery shopping in Kansas City. “The cashier noticed the 1999 Charizard in my wallet, and next thing I knew, I’d covered my groc...

  Who knew that the pharaohs were avid collectors in their afterlife? In what might be the greatest discovery in the history of cardboard — or archaeology, for that matter — self-proclaimed sports card collector and amateur archaeologist Randy “SlabMaster” Jenkins claims to have unearthed a hidden chamber of ancient Egyptian tombs containing rare Pharaoh rookie cards. According to Jenkins, the stash includes never-before-seen mint condition cards of iconic rulers like King Tutankhamun, Cleopatra, and Ramses II. “This find is massive for both the card-collecting world and ancient history nerds,” Jenkins declared, standing proudly next to a plastic binder filled with 3,000-year-old pieces of papyrus, each depicting the likeness of a famous Egyptian pharaoh. “I always knew there had to be some ancient parallels out there. I mean, who wouldn’t want a rookie card of Ramses the Great?” King Tut Gem Mint 10: The Holy Grail of Antiquities? The most prized discovery of the lot? A PSA-grade...

  Friends Secretly Place Bets on When He’ll Admit Defeat   In what can only be described as an inspiring display of delusion, local collector Greg “CardKing87” Thompson is continuing to insist that purchasing an entire case of 2023-24 Prizm Basketball was a “brilliant investment” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Thompson, 34, spent his entire tax refund and part of his daughter’s college fund to secure the 12-box case, convinced it would propel him to sports card stardom. “It’s just a matter of time before these rookie cards blow up in value,” said Thompson, holding up his 17th Isaiah Todd base card, which he’s now framing as a "hidden gem of the future." “You don’t understand the market, man. The real collectors are playing the long game. I’m just sitting on a goldmine waiting to explode.” Thompson’s confidence appears unwavering, despite the fact that most of his box breaks have yielded more base cards than the junk wax era. His prized pulls so far include th...

     I bid you much ado with our special guest writer today: Act I: Scene I – The Bard’s Study, whereupon Sir William doth contemplate his newest obsession To collect, or not to collect—that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous eBay auctions, Or to take arms against a sea of Topps, And by opposing, end them. To bid, to win— No more—and by a bid to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To bid, to win— To win—perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub, For in that win of cards what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause—there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life. Alas, dear sirs and madams, hath I—William, the Bard of Avon—become ensnared by this newfangled vice most seductive: the collecting of sports cards! Verily, 'tis a passion most perilous, for I find myself more entranc...